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News Ticker
The News Ticker is a machine that can be found in several levels in Viscera Cleanup Detail. Notes * The News Ticker Cannot be interacted with the player in any way, and instead serves more of a decorative and informative role to the player. * The News Ticker appears as a long rectangular screen surrounded by thick metal boarders. The bottom part of this screen displays the article, which scrolls across horizontally from right to left in a single line, while the upper part of the screen displays the article's publisher and the article's title. * The News Ticker makes a sound reminiscent of a bell ringing each time it changes its article. * The News Ticker's stories can also be customized through the use of the level editor, adding a personal touch to one's levels. News stories Please note, all spelling and grammatical errors found in the following stories are also found in the game, and may even be intentional. Death Maggots To Host Tribute Tour! Death Maggots are launching a month long tribute tour to honour Sgt. Jack Hammer's heroics across the galaxy. Get your tickets at Galaticket now, and honour humanity's saviour by growling for 8 hours straight! I Love Quasar Emperor I, Sgt. Jack Hammer only eat Quasar Emperor Burgers, mmm mmm, the taste of the galaxy! With every delicious bite I gain the power to kick ass and make mess, ooah! The Glorbon Tentacles of Zylab-7 Sgt. Jack Hammer, recent saviour of the Eden Prime colony has taken some time off to kick even more betentacled alien ass in his new movie; The Glorbon Tentacles of Zylab-7! Coming soon... Horror, Death, News! Horror Today as Izinagi Corporation is once again making headlines, and this time...it's serious! Tune in at 22:30 GST, only on: Ferret... Saviour's Backwater Scandal Sgt. Jack Hammer sighted in backwater colony Mudwrench at an underground gentlemen's club, we've got pictures! What will they show? Find out at 21:00 GST, only on: Papanazzi... Neo Toys Launches New Line In honor of the anniversary of Mjr. Kerrigan's incredible efforts at the Athena complex, Neo Toys is launching a range of exclusive action figures and assorted merchandise. The heroic Mjr. Kerrigan, the insidious plant-like adversaries, the creepy scientists; all these and more will be available! Your little one will love the almost true-to-life materials and superb craftsmanship. Check your local retailer for availability this coming week. Sgt. Jack Hammer Lauded It has been announced that beloved solider, Sgt. Jack Hammer, has been awarded the prestigious Azure Cannon for his incredible heroism during a recent incident. To coincide with the award ceremony, a statue will be erected in his honor on the famous Saints Moon, which pays tribute to brave and exemplary individuals across the galaxy and beyond. Samson Slater's Brawling is 'OK' In a much publicized incident this week, Samson Slater, the hero of Erebus V who was involved in a brawl and hand-to-hand altercation resulting in damage to a drinks station and various advertising dispensers, was granted amnesty due to his courageous and exemplary actions on Erebus V. Public pressure is said to have played a part in the ruling. Legend Attends Cryocon Those attending Cryocon were in for a pleasant surprise this week, when heroic man-of-few words, Dr. Jordan Friedmann re-enacted some of his legendary exploits for a packed crowd. Dr. Friedmann will continue touring various events for the next month, where he is expected to bank a handsome 3,000,000 credits. We'd just like to add; he's earned it! Hero Gorges At Exclusive Resort Lt. Rodney Steel was recently spotted at a luxurious Elysium resort on Pandora. Our investigator on the scene reports that he had a toasted Baconsyn sandwich and a potato-beer. Read more on our info-portal for all the juicy details! Col. Vasquez Honoured Col. M. Vasquez appeared on parade today at the Paladium Palace, where the procession honored her tireless efforts in defending human lives, at the negligible expense of a research facility. Watch the event broadcast post-live this week, all week! Cpl. Razor's Faux Pas In news that should surprise few, Cpl. John Razor, renowned badass and patriot, is reported to have gotten into a fight following his barging to the front of the queue at a recent premiere of The Pig and I, where several bystanders were hospitalized. Cpl. Razor was let off the hook at the scene when officials responded, saying only; come on, it's John Razor! What would you do!?. In light of his heroics, who could disagree with that? Union Slanders Hero The FUCTU (Fair Unemployment Compensation and Treatment Union), well known for their public displays, are once again outright accusing legendary hero Lt. Rodney Steel of Disgusting and wilful disregard for lesser men. This following his recent heroics in cleansing an outlying research station from winged beasts. FUCTU are suing Lt. Steel on behalf of their members who claim: Shooting everything in sight is all very well if you don't have to clean it up!. Lt. Steel has hired the galaxy's best lawyers, many of which seek to make an example of FUCTU. Best of luck to you, Lt. Steel! Jingo Pop-It! Patriot Cola, the legendary name behind Jingo-Pop and Fat-Man are launching a galaxy wide campaign to promote their new soft-drink; Jingo-Pop Ultra. In hopes of raising awareness and further closing the market, Patriot Cola are urging everyone across the galaxy to honour their heroes in the best way possible; by making it fun! The so called Jingo Pop-it mission encourages everyone to follow their exmaple and do what they do. Will you Jingo Pop-it? The BIIIG Bang-Off It's that time of the year again, the BIIIG Bang-Off is here! The legendary event where applicants bring their home-made boomboxes to out-do each other in a cacophony of ear-smashing beats! As is tradition, Phat Bassics will once again be unveiling their newest creation in the Big Banger range. This year's edition is said to be earth-shatteringly powerful. Get your tickets today! Tyrant Wins Beauty Pageant Well known visionary leader, 'Warlord Dong' is famous across the galaxy. Everyone knows his signature hair-cut and deep black doll-eyes. That's why we at Smashing Pageants have crowned Mr. Dong with the prestigious title of this year's Beauty Icon. No other youthful face or hair anywhere across the galaxy can inspire so much emotion in the hearts and minds of humanity. For this alone, we feel he deserves the title. You're an inspiration to us all, Mr. Dong! Get Cooking The Grinder Way! Today it was announced by acclaimed cookware company, Bishop & Ash, that they would be launching an exclusive range of Cpt. Grinder cooking utensils and cutlery. The heroic Captain is said to enjoy a bit of cooking to unwind (kicking all that ass must certainly be stressful!), so this partnership appears to be made in Heaven! We look forward to cooking up a delicious stew in Cpt. Grinder's oversized pots! Honorary Degree for Reserved Hero Famed academy, Mars Institute of Technology, today issued an honorary degree to stalwart hero, Dr. Jordan Friedmann. Quiet, yet balletic in motion, Dr. Friedmann leapt onto the stage to receive his complimentary degree in Advanced Theoretical Physics. Following the tumultuous applause, Dr. Friedmann is believed to have attempted to utter some words, but none could be heard. It looked like his glasses got a bit steamed up though. My Gun at Heart Those heading to work in various buildings across Kadron Central, were startled to find enormous posters hanging down over their windows today. The enormous posters displayed well-known saviour, Mjr. Jaynah Kerrigan's new biography. The book and film are set to be an immense success when they launch later this month. We'll have reviews for the upcoming works soon, so stay tuned! Heroes and Why We Love Them Well known Psychologist and Author, Dr. Fiddling discusses the deep psychological attachment we have to our galaxy's heroes, and why we spend so much of everything on them. It's like pre-2100 sports, it just wasn't enough says the good Doctor. Tune in tonight at 18:15 GST for the full interview! Lt. Steel Receives Homely Abode At a packed ceremony near outer Pandora today, a luxury home and grounds were handed over to Lt. Rodney Steel, who all will know for his recent exploits in thwarting an alien infestation. In a brief speech, the Minister of Events and Ceremonies for Military Personel, Gen. F. Parker told those attending; It is with supreme pride that I grant this mansion to Lt. Steel. He is as fine example of an officer as I could hope for, and I wish every one of you could be even 1 percent as damn good as him! What have you all done!? You make me ill just looking at the lot of you!. Gen. Parker was ushered off the stage by his compatriots soon after, but who can say he is wrong? Skunk X, The Only Choice When it comes to kicking ass, nothing gives me the energy and nutrients I need like Skunk X! It's the taste explosion that'll make you feel like a supernova! I, Col. Vasquez, only drink SKUNK X! You should too! Cobarde. Leaders are Apes, Says Science A recent scientific study suggests that the human race may very well be devolving back toward primates. Many scientists agree, and the study has stood up to a stern peer-review. The researchers mostly tested high-ranking leaders, and found the worrying genetic pattern was recurring. Scientists are calling for the return of pasture produced meat products. An archaic practice from before the mid 2030s said to be the cure for this new devolution. Authorities urge you to come forward if you have sudden and unusual hair growth. Slater Racer Halts Aid Shipment Man-of-the-moment and all-round tough guy Samson Slater, was reported to be street racing around the dock-yards of Kore Prime. Him and three other accomplices were said to be speeding and recklessly driving around the industrial area in vehicles that are believed to have been granted to Mr. Slater following a series of lucrative endorsements. Despite bringing various shipping operations to a halt and other general disruptions, dock and shipping workers quickly downed tools to watch the spectacle, cheering on the hero all the while. Cyrez To Unveil New Prototype The anual unveiling of Cyrez Corporation's new prototype is here! A spokesmen for the company has announced that their latest creation, while it'll set any purchaser's wallet all a-quiver, is sure to be the deadliest tool anywhere in the Galaxy, with the possible exception of Lt. Steel of course. Cyrez are once again releasing the first contracted consignment of weaponry to the highest bidder. The Exo-Planetary Liberation Corps out-bid the infamous Brotherhood of Kane last year, perhaps they will again? Tune in at 9:00 GST for the live event to find out! Extinct Harvester Revived Thought of as perhaps the greatest scientific achievement to date, the 20 year old project to revive the long extinct species of strange sentient machines said to have wiped out entire civilizations and consequently their only food source, has bore fruit. The scientists involved have successfully re-animated one of the Harvesters. The fact that it could potentially wipe out all life in the universe is quote: A minor matter of little importance compared to the joy of playing God. says the lead scientist involved with the project. Eitherway, we look forward to the future, however brief. Statues To Replace The Rot? With another year behind us, and more incidents reported, heroes having arisen, and we must ask ourselves; are there enough statues commemorating our brave saviours?. No, we say! We can never have enough! And in this old city of ours, where space is at a premium, where could we erect more totems of humanity's finest? Why, how about the old Children's Hospital or the dank Orphanage near the river? Why do we still need those? What about you, loyal readers; which of these unsightly structures do you think should be removed to make way for revering our heroes? Life-Changing Advice From A Legend Renowned hero, Cpl. John Razor, gave a stirring speech and valuable advice to young recruits at local institution, Morpheus Academy of Military and Law Enforcement yesterday. Covering a range of military tactics and solutions for dealing with incidents, the seasoned veteran also went into details about some of his most famous endeavours. Advice ranged from you gotta keep on kickin' ass even when you think you can't!, to more practical snippets, such as; it don't matter how much mess you make; when you got a job to do, you focus only on that! Those bastards gotta pay! THEY GOTTA PAY!!. You can see the full speech on public terminals at the Morpheus Academy. Cro-Magnon P.I Returns This Friday! He's back! He's mad! He's hairier than ever! Catch all new episodes of Cro-Magnon PI starting this Friday! Has he still got what it takes, when his old nemesis Terror Dactyl emerges from hiding to resume his sinister plans? Will he be able to handle the primordial, drug-crazed henchmen of The iGuano Don and his empire of illicit substances? Find out this Friday; only on FERRET! It's gonna be prehistoric! Archaeologists Uncover Our Doom? A recent mining operation on a distant desert-like planet, Ares, has revealed an ancient city of some kind. Scientists and archaeologists have converged on the site to determine the species that once inhabited it and how old it may be. Preliminary reports suggest that what appears to be artwork reveal that the previous inhabitants inadvertently tapped into a plane of evil via a portal of exotic particles. Let us all wish these brave men and women well as they uncover the secrets that Ares hides! Hopefully it doesn't spell our doom. Lone Survivor Escapes, Billions Lost BREAKING: Word has reached us of an incident aboard commercial mining freighter, The Nostradamus, where all but one of the crew were slaughtered by an alien entity. Reports say that one survivor, a Helen Shredley, managed to defeat the entity and escape. Intel suggests that a substantial cleanup operation will be required. There is not much more to report right now; we'll have more as the story develops. The Agony of Choice; Elysian Springs Terror in the news this week as independant researchers announce a startling variance in the quality of Elysian Springs' products. Lead researcher Dr. Igor had this to say: After testing countless bottles of Alpine Dew, it became clear that quality is a serious concern. Despite the high levels of deadly chemicals present in the sample, we still found biological contaminants. Why, I might even consider drinking the water from my toilet were I faced with a bottle of Alpine Dew as my only alternative! Elysian Springs Ltd have yet to comment on Dr. Igor's scandalous announcement. McAllistaire for Governor? With elections already in full swing, popular candidate Juddfrey McAllistaire's campaign has picked up steam. During a series of appearances and rallies across the galaxy, in which McAllistaire has spread his famous motto of 'Vote for Morality', the politician headed off several tough questions from his opposers with such restrained quotes as: Morality can't fill your stomache, but it can fill your heart, and what's more important, really? AND Vote for me, there's simply no other choice. Whatever the case may be, one thing is clear. You have only 5 days left to vote, good citizens! Jurgen Shrub for Governor! Elections are well underway and your choice is clear. Candidate Jurgen Shrub's long standing political career clearly places him above his opposition. A man who understands that being Governor is about hard choices, and that 'Morality' McAllistaire's weak approach to governance will spiral our hard won galaxy into chaos. Don't let weak politicians like McAllistaire undermine our family values and great, strong conglomeration. Vote for Jurgen Shrub on election day!Category:Level Mechanics